so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
