Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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