the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Randomize
