When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
