haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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