yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I AM VODKA MAN
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
