just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
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he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
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Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
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