She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Im part way to drunk.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Randomize
