Fucking hipsters really piss me off man. They are just such punk as bitches, all of them. Oh, and fuck Ed Hardy too.
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
