Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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