watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
