probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
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you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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