I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
