im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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