I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
