as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
