I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
