i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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