am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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