I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
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