what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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