$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
