Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Randomize
