worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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