My Higher Power is John Stamos
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize
