So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
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