I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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