Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I am spending my child support on dildos
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Randomize
