I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
the day after is always just damage control
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
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