so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
