i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Randomize
