i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
