Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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