I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Randomize
