I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
