I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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