Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
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