There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
