shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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