I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
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While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
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Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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