my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
