I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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