you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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