you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Randomize
