I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
