A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
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On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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