What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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