GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
