were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
