Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
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