Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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