This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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